Wednesday, September 5, 2012


I’ve attempted to write this post for a while now. This is probably the 30th or so revision, as I’ve thrown out draft after draft second guessing whether or not I should share this information.

I admit that I’ve been Hans’s friend a while now –long enough to dig up the real dirt. And now I’m going to share it with you all. I will probably be ruining our friendship, and people will probably discuss the ethics behind this backstabbing for days to come. But you deserve to know, and as a writer I can’t help telling you.

I found the real scoop last night. We were flying together with some other alliance mates in a seemingly innocent defensive plex fleet. There were several plexes open in Huola, and we were spread out –waiting to help support anyone if they ran into resistance.

Hans said he had hostiles in his plex –some neutrals. And he was running at them to point them. So we all started to abandon our plexes to go give him some back up.

Primaries didn’t need to be called. We didn’t need to be told. Everyone knew exactly what to do, who to kill, and how to react. There were several moments of absolutely silence on coms. And then it happened.

He didn’t know his push to talk was on, or he would have never incriminated himself in that way.

Hans Jagerblitzen started singing. Really singing. And we sat there listening in shock.

I was too shocked to turn on FRAPS for proof. I was too shocked to count the syllables of the song so that I could send the relevant information to Poetic and Jester for proper analysis. The neutrals all died, blowing up to the background of a nondescript Aria, and I could only sit there and listen.

I found out months ago that he BAKES CAKES in real life. I have yet to get the necessary data for my spreadsheets –in particular what the average number of tiers the cakes have, and whether the payments for these frosted tiers are modulated or not. I seriously think that his cake tiers have somehow negatively influenced his opinions with regards to Faction War tiers, and I think that everyone should know that his cake biases are affecting his abilities to do his job as our CSM representative.

But my cover is blown now, and I will probably never know.


  1. The horror. The horror.

    Bear in mind. I bake pies. Scratch crust. No kidding. Singing though? Not going to happen. Not in front of all y'all, anyway.

  2. Hans' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

  3. Pretty sure he has done something with professional Interior Design as well.

  4. Can you at least give us a genre of the music he was singing? Opera? Teenie Bop? Oldies? Deathmetal? Nerd Rap?

  5. Baking ... and singing? Sounds like the secret love child of Akseyev Karrde and Jamer Lins.

  6. You have to set this guy red now.

  7. My spy alt was there.

    He was not singing, "I feel pretty", so whoever said that is wrong - at least when I was listening.

    Actually I didn't realize he could sing so well. I thought someone was playing youtube on vent: